Barna Research discovered that 61% of pastors are lonely and have few close friends. The loneliest people in churches are often pastors. Why is this so?
The experts say that five key factors inhibit pastors from developing close friendships.
- lack of formative modeling: in families of origin some weren’t close to their parents and/or their parents never modeling for them how to create intimate relationships.
- some pastors developed a loner tendency: they’d rather be alone.
- personality: some personalities can unintentionally push people away.
- wounds from the past can compel some to put up walls with others.
- fear of sharing loneliness with others: some pastors think that if people knew they struggled, hurt, or had problems, it might lessen the respect they would give and therefore hinder that pastor’s leadership effectiveness.
Number five can be very powerful. Certainly, we shouldn’t publicly display all our dirty laundry, or we would diminish our influence. But actually, I’ve found that when I have appropriately shared my struggles with others, most people endear themselves to me and respect me even more.
I’ll never forget a story I heard Bill Hybels share years ago in a conference. The specific details are hazy, but the impact on me remains.
On one of his study breaks he told about a Sunday night visit to a small church. After the sermon, the pastor stood before his flock and in tears shared a heartbreak he had experienced from his son. He said he felt like a failure and wasn’t sure what to do. He then closed the service. Spontaneously the people rushed to the front and surrounded him, hugged him, and wept with him. Bill then used a term to describe the scene: “the circle of brokenness.” As he drew thousands of us into this story, with misty eyes I realized that every pastor yearns for that kind of acceptance.
If fear of rejection, looking less like a pastor or worry that you might diminish your influence keeps you from inviting safe people in, realize the danger in which you can put yourself. Without safe people, ministry can overwhelm us.
A psychologist friend of mine once explained that isolation can set up a pastor on a slippery slope toward sexual compromise. In isolation, Satan can exploit his vulnerability. He can then begin to compromise and live a secret sexual life that may ultimately lead to ministry and/or marriage failure. My friend reminded me that sin grows easiest in the darkness.
So, if you are a pastor, don’t minimize the importance of friends in the ministry and in your church. Push through your loneliness and find some friends.
What other factors have you seen that can create loneliness in pastors?
Mike
I have been in the pastorate since 1989. I have never had any close friends all these years. I don’t have any friends now. I have never felt as though I could ever share anything of a personal nature. People don’t seem to want a pastor as a friend because it makes them feel uncomfortable. What’s worse is that people feel they can say anything to you or about you or your family, and you can’t get angry because of it. I actually had one woman say to me, “Pastors don’t have aright to be angry” after she and several others led a move to oust me from my ministry position. So I don’t have friends. I have pastored y church bi-vocationally for five years now. Not once in all this time have we been invited into church members’ homes.
ExPastors.com
So sorry to hear this. Have you tried reaching out to local pastors in your community and befriending them?
Mike
The problem was that it was a group of ministers that ousted me. I was their director. Anyway the Southern Baptist Convention took a different direction that year and many people in my position were ousted. I now work full-time in a secular position and pastor part time. I cannot attend the ministerial alliance meetings because they are held in the middle of the morning when I am at work.
Rodrigo Lima
Not once, but twice, I shared some struggles with some elders (I was a presbyterian pastor at that time). At the first occasion they had they used it against me. Since then, I DO NOT TRUST NO ONE IN THE CHURCH! It’s better to be lonely and safe than surrounded by poisonous hypocrytes.
ExPastors.com
So sorry to hear that. We truly can relate. We’d encourage you to find friends outside of the church that you can talk to. We encourage that pastors speak to a counselor, a mentor and local pastors (all outside of the church).
Rodrigo Lima
For sure. The pastoral ministry I was involved for about 18 years led me to a hard depression. Now I’m at therapy and It’s a blessing from God. I left the presbyterian church here in Brazil and joined the Charismatic Episcopal Church. It’s easier to develop a pastoral ministry without the neurotic environment I found at the presbyterian church.
Julio Cachila
Sorry to hear what happened to you and those elders. I can relate, brother. I’m glad, though, that you’re in therapy now. Hoping and praying that you’ll be totally healed of your pain and that God will use your wounding for the healing of many broken souls inside and outside the church. God bless you brother.
Bo Lane
Great thoughts. I wonder, too, how much of this can be attributed to personality types: introverts and extroverts. I’ve met pastors who don’t do well in large settings but thrive one-on-one, and pastors who thrive in large settings but can barely hold a one-on-one conversation for more than a few minutes. Perhaps this plays a part, albeit probably a small part, in why a pastor might experience loneliness in ministry.
ExPastors.com
Very true. Great point.
Dean OBryan
Trust, or lack thereof, is huge, even when it comes to others in ministry. On one occasion my wife and I shared some personal struggles with a pastoral couple 50 miles away (purported to both be counsellors). A few weeks later, a young couple in our church, who knew that pastoral couple, repeated some of the details of our struggle to us!
ExPastors.com
That’s horrible. We can’t imagine how that felt. Thank you for sharing. These are all real reasons why pastors feel so trapped and lonely. The enemy will greatly use this isolation.
ExPastors.com
Here are some stats we collected from our 2015 Pastors Survey (by the way, we encourage you to take our 2016 Pastors Survey) – When asked: Do you consider yourself lonely?
Yes (174 / 63%)
No (101 / 37%)